French Kiss-off

PREVIEW REVIEW: The Three Musketeers for Dummies — or is that Dumas-es?

LINKS: See for yourself: Fireballs, zeppelins and Orlando Bloom with big hair (Note: Trailer 1 is silly, but this post draws on the more richly ridiculous Trailer 2)

What was my first clue that The Three Musketeers by Paul W.S. Anderson is going to (intake) like a Hoover after it comes swashbuckling into theaters Oct. 21? To be honest, if I'd known that the movie had anything to do with our good buddy Weak Sauce before seeing its ridiculous trailer, then I'd probably have gone in expecting to see about what I got. Instead, I just saw the title and poster art before clicking the link. A new 'Three Musketeers,' eh? Could be fun. So then there's some urgent orchestral stuff with VO by British actor Matthew Macfadyen, who could totally have been a Deep Voice Trailer Guy if the acting thing hadn't panned out. Anyway, the camera swoops over a palace courtyard with uniformed soldiers, which looks a little generic, but so far, so good. And then there's the second shot of anything at all, at the 12-second mark, which is a ninja warrior rising up from some sort of river or lake (turns out it's a river, probably the Seine) and — wait, wait, wait. Huh? A ninja? Does France have ninjas? Did the producers hire a real life ninja, maybe, who just forgot to go to wardrobe before filming the scene where he takes a dip in the river? Maybe it's a guy who got lost and wandered over from the set of the Jackie Chan movie on Lot B? No such luck. It's a for reals ninja, in a Three Musketeers movie, who promptly takes out a couple of guards with his wicked awesome ninja warrior gun/umbrella/crossbow thingies, and aaaaall righteee then.

I mean, suppose that Alexandre Dumas was alive today. Would he even take a royalty check for this kind of nonsense? There are literally dozens of movie versions of The Three Musketeers already, so I suppose, as a filmmaker, you only sign up for something like this if there's some sort of agreement in place that you can do you own "thing" — whatever that may be — with the material. Wimp Sack's "thing" is apparently to make everything more gnarly and video game-ish. One of the credited screenwriters is Alex Litvak of Predators (no other screenwriting credits), so no surprise that the trailer is packed with numbskull-level mumbo-jumbo like when Macfadyen (who plays mopey Athos) blathers that, "We're warriors. It's who we are. It's what we do." (Wait, wait, didn't you already cover both of those points? Like, two seconds ago? If I were a dentist and someone asked about my job, would I ever say, "I'm a dentist. It's who I am. It's what I do.") The other screenwriter, however, is Andrew Davies, who only wrote the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice, for the love of William Goldman. See here, Mr. Davies, what are you even doing within 1,000 feet of a movie where Orlando Bloom (as the Duke of Buckingham) actually says, "My war machines will readdress the balance." Oh, will they, Bucky Boy? Is that because somebody sent the balance to Charing Cross Road when it should have gone to Chatterly Court? (I believe the word you're looking for is "redress," your grace.)

Some of you who've read the novel are trying to remember when Buckingham ever had or used any "war machines." The trailer clears that up with shots of zeppelins gliding above gay Pah-ree. And not just any zeppelins, mind you: These are hot lead zeppelins. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) Each airship is fully equipped with cannons and heavy ordnance. OK, so I can roll with a steampunk Three Musketeers. And it's great to see that good ol' Orlie is still getting work now that he's all done making Pirates of the Caribbean movies. On the other hand, how is he not murdering his agent that he got cast in The Three Musketeers and he's not a musketeer?! Did it not even occur to him to say, "I am freaking Orlando Bloom. I'm d'Artagnan, or I'm not in the movie." Or maybe he defers to the kid, the American, the can't-believe-my-luck Logan Lerman for d'Artagnan, but doesn't he then insist on being Athos, the meatiest of the musketeers? Even Oliver Platt got to be Porthos in that Disney thing from a few years back. Milla Jovovich is married to the director, so no suprise that she gets to be Milady de Winter. And Christoph Waltz probably nabbed Richelieu when was he was still white hot from Inglourious Basterds. But even if Macwhatshispants gets Athos, who are Ray Stevenson and Luke Evans that they get to be musketeers and FREAKING. LEGOLAS. has to be Buckingham?!!

Actually, Stevenson (the salt-and-pepper bruiser who plays Porthos) is kind of fun in the trailer. And Evans, as Aramis, looks like he could be the next, um, Orlando Bloom. Lerman has better hair for his role (d'Artagnan) than Chris O'Donnell did back in the Disney thing, and that's about the scope of the difference between them, as far as I can tell. (Lerman certainly wasn't picked for his riveting delivery.) What's with getting all these American pretty boys to play d'Artagnan anyway? Come on French people, stand up for yourselves. Your four musketeers are three Brits and a Yank. Isn't that even more insulting than when Disney used four Yanks? People with accents got three of the four main roles, and none of them is any more French than French toast or French fries. The rest of my gripes about the trailer are that it's heavy on the phony-baloney action crap that's in everything these days. Milady does the swan dive from the skyscrape — ah, palace roof move, and then tops it with the old "slide beneath the crossfire while ducking bullets with my face" maneuver. d'Artagnan hangs onto a swinging rope with one arm and sword battles with the other. Athos torches some bad guys with a flamethrower. A gorilla leaps off the Golden Gate Bridge and takes down a helipcopter. Streeeee-etch. Yaaaawn. Does anybody else hear those crickets? The money shot? d'Artagnan makes one of those sprinting, straining, hurtling leaps to escape an expanding fireball. Uh-huh. Macfadyen seems almost to be hinting at something when he puts the ol' "Hasta la vista, baby" growl into a moment where Athos says, "Round two." Settle down, champ. You gotta sell me on round one before we can talk sequel.