Don't go tugging on Iron Man's, um, whatever

REVIEW, TAKE TWO: Further reflections on Marvel's The Avengers

LINKS: Daily Herald review of Marvel's The Avengers; a handmade quilt featuring a screen shot from Galaga

Brace yourself for Marvel's The Avengers to make piles of money. Oodles of it. The first big blockbuster of summer (meaning the first big blockbuster of May — I'm pretty sure there's international law about this) typically only has to be borderline competent to be a box office gold mine. And The Avengers is actually pretty good. Look, if celluloid fecal matter like Van Helsing (ah, the memories) can grab $52 million in three days just by getting to the starting line first, then The Avengers is going to ring the box office bell like a thunderbolt. This will inevitably lead some observers to anoint it the best superhero movie ever made — money talks —and, to be fair, numerous reviews have already proclaimed as much without waiting to watch the avalanche of dollars. I like the characters, the acting is great, the dialogue is a ton of fun, but ... best of all time? Eh. It's almost an open question whether The Avengers is better than just Iron Man. In my book, anyway, The Dark Knight, Spider-Man 2 (odd how much better it is than the Spider-Man or Spider-Man 3) and Superman Returns (darn right, Superman Returns) are all better. The best superhero movie ever made, however, is better still: The Incredibles. No contest. End of discussion. Other observations:

Game boy: One of the best of the many, many quotable zingers in The Avengers is an out-of-nowhere drop-in that rolls off the tongue of Robert Downey Jr., who really needs Joss Whedon to come along for Iron Man 3. Tony Stark is making a rally-the-troops speech* on the command deck of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s massive flying aircraft carrier (fun concept, incidentally), and gives a casual, mid-paragraph tongue-lashing to a guy who's using his command and control monitor to play Galaga instead of, oh, watching long-range radar images, or whatever. What really sells the line, however, is that Whedon waits 'til the end of the scene — the "ready ... break!" moment after the huddle is over — and then shows the guy only slightly surreptitiously turn back to his monitor and call up Galaga again. Don't we all need to live in a world where highly-trained personnel occasionally use top secret government tech to play Galaga when they think no one's watching?

* Or maybe this is during his subvert-the-troops, middle-finger-to-Fury speech. I'm pretty sure he does both.

Gwyneth doin' work: Some people have that magical something that the camera loves to look at. They just do. The special ones have that and know what to do with it. Gwyneth Paltrow is barely in The Avengers. She's playing the Pepper Potts character from the Iron Man movies, the gal who's the love of Tony Stark's life whenever there isn't a lingerie model or a snappy bon mot within arm's reach. She has a much bigger presence in the movie than her screen time would indicate, in part because she's Tony Stark's girl worth fighting for (with apologies to Fa Mulan), and Tony Stark is the guy who gets to do the heavy lifting when it's time to save the planet. We're on edge when he's in danger because we want him to make it back safe to Pepper. It works as well as it does, however, because Paltrow is just that good. Almost 15 years after Shakespeare in Love, she's still got a way about her that Billy Joel could write a song about. And she knows how to use it.

Mickey, Minnie and Hulk: This doesn't really have anything to do with The Avengers, beyond the fact that Disney, which acquired Marvel Comics for a cool $4 bil (yes, bil, as in "billion") in 2009, is releasing the film, and controlling the lion's share of its profits. A few months back, however, Disney honchos revealed at a shareholder meeting that your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, or possibly Wolverine, or maybe even any of the characters in this movie, will become part of the Happiest Place on Earth ... soon. The money quote, from Disney CEO Bob Iger, is "We haven't announced anything yet, but we're working on some concepts." Maybe he hadn't announced anything yet ...

Better to be Lucky than good

REVIEW, TAKE TWO: Further reflections on The Lucky One

LINKS: Daily Herald review of The Lucky One; Nicholas "Bill of Stratford" Sparks does not write romance novels, get it?

Zac Efron is the Leonardo DiCaprio of his time. Are they similarly gifted performers? Well, er, they both make a living from acting. Efron did just fine, for example, in that thing where he switches bodies with Matthew Perry. Of course, not embarrassing yourself in 17 Again probably doesn't get you on speed dial with Inside the Actor's Studio. And while we could charitably say that Efron's performance in The Lucky One is wooden, is that really fair to wood? So the actual comparison to Leo is that Efron just looks young. So did Leo at the same point in his career, and that didn't really change for YEARS. Even as recently as The Departed, in 2006 (10 years after Titanic), DiCaprio hadn't really grown into the look of the guy in Inception or Shutter Island (both 2010). At any rate, don't sweat it, Zac. Most people wish that the finger of time would caress them so gently. The point of all of that, really, is just to mention that, beard stubble and all, Efron just looks young to be in a romantic relationship with Taylor Schilling. Schilling is 27, barely three years older than her co-star. She looks more mature than her age, however — it's not the kind of 27 where you can still get roles as teenage characters — and Efron looks quite a bit younger than 24. Like, younger enough that he could credibly be the son she had from a teenage pregnancy at age 14. It's probably not going to ruin the movie for anyone, but there it is. Other observations:

Let's get physical: Bar none that I can think of at the moment, The Lucky One has the most awkward scene of sexual intimacy that I've ever seen in a movie. Awkward in the sense that "Get a room, why don't ya," sure — most movie sex comes off like that — but much more so in the sense that, setting aside the soft golden light and the lilting/muted orchestral woo-woo on the soundtrack, it just looks clumsy and uncomfortable. Schilling's Beth makes a snap decision for some reason or other that she is going to break her off a slice of Logan cream pie (main ingredient: Efron), and rushes over to the fixer-upper where he lives by himself. Somehow or other, they end up doin' it standing up in the outdoor shower behind the house, both of them fully clothed, with the water running. Seriously? Who in real life would actually consider this a good, or even plausible idea? Sure, it looks impulsive and raw. Exciting, maybe — but only if you have no idea how lovemaking actually works. (Pandering to the young and uninformed, are we?) It's plain comical to imagine director Scott Hicks explaining the scene to Efron and Schilling. "OK, so this is what I want ... " For exactly how much of that conversation does everyone manage to keep a straight face? Only in the movies.

To have and to hold — continuously, everywhere, at all times: It's actually funnier in the movie's trailer. It just sort of glides past in the film itself. Logan tells Beth, "You should be kissed. Every day. Every hour. Every minute." It's the sort of sweet romantic exaggeration that needs to glide past. Because you can't take it seriously for a second. I showed my wife the trailer after I first saw it, just so we could both have a good laugh. The next morning, I walked up behind her in the kitchen and started kissing her neck. And kept going, and going, and going, until she got it and started to giggle. ME: "I'm calling in sick." MY BOSS: "Oh, OK. Is it bad?" ME: "Oh, I'm not really sick. It's my wife." BOSS: "Oh, OK. Is she all right?" ME: "She's fine. I just can't leave the house." BOSS: "What do you mean?" ME: "I have to kiss her." BOSS: "For the rest of the day?" ME: "Uh-huh. I can't ever stop, actually. Ever again. I have to keep kissing." BOSS: "Who is this really?"

Uncircle the date

NO WAY IN AITCH AM I SEEING THAT (Unless it's for work) (I gots to put bread on the table, yo): Running the other way in 2012

LINKS: The yes list and the maybes

We've all seen trailers that get us revved up about the possibility of seeing this or that "coming attraction," as they say in the biz. But isn't it just as common to see a trailer and think, "Sweet land o' Goshen, you couldn't get me within a country mile of that cinematic dung heap," you know, or something like that? We could call those coming detractions, or maybe just coming gaaaah — my eyes!-actions. Sometimes I can't even bear to finish the trailer, let alone stomach the thought of watching the entire film. (One such colossal stinker makes an appearance below. I kid you not. I have a cast-iron stomach for sub-moronic idiocy, but I flat-out fled from that audiovisual torture chamber.)

At any rate, it's quite common for film writers to make lists of movies that they're excited to see. So why not flip that around and tell you what's making me cringe. Since there are levels of revulsion, I'm carrying over the numbering from my other posts on this topic. My first 2012 precap went 1 to 18, and the second list was 27 to 43. So, bearing in mind that I don't actually want to see any of the films in this post, it felt right to sliiiiiide down the ladder all the way to:

98) Wrath of the Titans (Warner Bros.) — The desecration of Greek mythology rolls forth. I probably wouldn't drop dead of shock if this movie were actually sorta entertaining, in a high-end schlock kind of way. It actually looks like they might have improved the product a little: I made fun of Sam Worthington's Perseus in my review of Clash of the Titans for "being the only man in ancient Greece who knows the location of the fabled Great Clips," so it's nice to see that he's been given a more era-appropriate shaggy mop this time around. Other than that, er ... well, Rosamund Pike is a good actress. Everything else that I saw in the trailer appeared to move fast and be made from, hmm, asphalt and lava, mostly? Perseus battles the La Brea Tar Pits. Awesome. March 30

103) Step Up: Revolution (Summit) — I view this franchise as being sort of like the G.I. Joe movies of soopah tight modern dance choreography. Everything is all cranked up and over-the-top ridiculous, and all of the men in the movie have big muscles and wear tight clothing. And sweat a lot. This one is Miami, so I'm guessing that means dance battles on the beach. The star of the movie is So You Think You Can Dance alum Kathryn McCormick, but there's also someone named Celestina (no surname) who plays "Mob dancer." Yes, this movie has dance mobs. July 27

142) The Three Stooges (20th Century Fox) — Nyuk, nyuk, nyet. There's been talk of introducing the Three Stooges to the 21st century for so long, that it was actually the 20th century when this movie first appeared on Hollywood's radar. I've got nothing against Larry, Curly and Moe, but nothing really for them, either. What turned me four-square against the Stooges is that Bobby and Peter Farrelly (There's Something About Mary and, more recently, Hall Pass) are the ones who finally ended up writing and directing the new movie. Apparently they've managed to check their R-rated comedic sensibilities at the door (the MPAA has given the noveau Stooges a PG), but that only means that they can't be vulgar and obscene in addition being gross. Note: Both Kirby Heyborne and the entire cast of Jersey Shore are in this movie. Only the ancient Mayans would have predicted that. April 13

143) American Reunion (Universal) — I can small the smarmy insincerity from here. Another warm reminder to cherish the beautiful moments in life, all of which happened when you were 17. Also, never forget that there is nothing so sweet that it cannot be improved by a general state of drunken horniness. (Or is that horny drunkenness?) Reviewing movies is often a bowl of cherries, but sometimes all that's in the bowl are the pits. I didn't need to see the first or second of these — Did anyone? I say no — and actually didn't see the third one, which resulted in my best experience with the franchise to date. April 6

144) The Dictator (Paramount) — Sacha Baron Cohen was funnier when he was just an animated lemur king in Madagascar. May 11

145) Paranormal Activity 4 (Paramount) — On the one hand, the Paranormal Activity movies stopped the Saw movies from happening every year. So we can all be thankful for that. Apparently there's a rule somewhere that only one overcooked horror franchise at a time can be milked to a shriveled leathery husk each year at Halloween. The Faustian tradeoff, of course, is that now a Paranormal Activity movie has to happen every year. Oct. 19

201) What to Expect When You're Expecting (Lionsgate) — Here's what I'm expecting: poop on a stick. And that's being generous. The trailers for this movie are appallingly incompetent, and neither of them is even the aforementioned trailer I couldn't bear to finish watching. As far as I can tell, the only connection to the best-selling pregnancy how-to guide is the title. But even if they'd just stuck the book on a reading stand and filmed someone turning its pages one at a time, I'd be more interested in seeing that movie than this one. May 18

1,087) That's My Boy (June 15) — Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler! All I have to say about this movie is that it looks worse than Click. A lot worse. If the ancient Mayans weren't kidding, then my guess is that they were off by several months in their calculations. Doomsday will actually arrive on ... June 15

Circle the date, Part 2

I MIGHT SEE THAT: Looking ahead to 2012 some more

LINKS: The must-see list is down the page a bit

Last week I delved into the list of films that I will definitely see in 2012, come Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or high water, with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey and Prometheus at the top of the list. Speaking of which, Guy Pearce has been flying around the internet all week in a clever promotional video for Prometheus — sort of trailer, except that the footage isn't being used in the movie, or at least not yet. I wouldn't be surprised if the level of geeky affection for their gimmick prompted the filmmakers to work at least some snippet of the Pearce clip into the final print by opening day. At any rate, today I'm going to hit my second-tier list. These are 2012 films that interest me for one reason or another. I'll certainly see some of them, but I probably won't get to all of them, and some of the ones that I do see might actually be pretty terrible. There are probably three or four that I'll allow to fall off the radar based on the report of a trusted friend, and others that will be missed for this or that reason not foreseeable by me at this point in time.

Last week's list ranked my selections 1 through 18, based on the level of my excitement about seeing each of the films listed. Since I'm not as eager to see any of these next films, and because there are probably 2012 movies out there that I'm overlooking or not aware of yet, I've pushed the start of this list down into the low 20s.

27) Mirror Mirror (Relativity) — Don't we all love it when there are dueling blockbusters that are (more or less) about the exact same thing? (Deep Impact vs. Armageddon, Volcano vs. Dante's Peak, Wyatt Earp vs. Tombstone, etc.) Now we have dueling Snow Whites! If you're gonna see one, you pretty much have to see the other, right? This film has a more interesting director (Tarsem Singh), but loses to Snow White and the Huntsman on almost every other count. Both films have intriguing casts, though I'm giving the edge to Snow White and the Huntsman's Charlize Theron (the evil queen), Kristen Stewart (Snow White) and Chris Hemsworth (the love interest) over the Mirror Mirror trio of Julia Roberts (evil queen), Lily Collins (Snow White) and Armie Hammer (love interest). Also, the fairy tale comedy approach of Mirror Mirror feels less promising than the more straightforward fairy tale adventure of Snow White and the Huntsman. March 30

28) 47 Ronin (Universal) — After their master is dishonored and dies by seppuku (ritual suicide), 47 samurai warriors seek to avenge his death. Forty-eight, really, since Keanu Reeves is a Man with No Name type who joins the fight. It's awesome to contemplate a $170 million samurai action epic based on events that occurred in 18th-century Japan. Now throw in Keanu Reeves, probably doing a bad English accent. It's either a money-driven "interesting" casting mishap, or it takes the awesomeness to a whole other level. Nov. 21

29) Lockout (FilmDistrict) — Guy Pearce plays the Liam Neeson Memorial Government Trained Stone Cold Bad(donkey) role in a story of sci-fi action coolness from the producers of Taken. Just in case you aren't getting the Taken vibe strongly enough, they even cast Maggie Grace, who played the kidnapped daughter in Taken, in more or less the exact same role here. (Incidentally, Grace has also been cast in the untitled sequel to Taken that's set to be released in October.) Pearce is an imprisoned former agent who's offered his freedom if he can rescue the POTUS's daughter from a maximum security prison ... in outer space! (How did she get there? Don't ask stupid questions.) Hey, everything is more awesome when it happens ... in outer space! Actually, the more I think about it, the more this sounds like Escape from New York ... in outer space! April 20

30) Titanic (20th Century Fox) — I didn't quite love this film, back in the day, as much as your average 14-year-old girl loved it ... but I loved it almost that much. Since this is a (blah) 3D re-release, we know that the film has literally lost some of its luster, but has time also metaphorically dimmed its formerly bright glow? I haven't seen it since 1998. April 6

31) Total Recall (Sony) — I'm not a huge fan of the Paul Verhoeven film with Arnold Schwarzenegger, so I'm not worried about the desecration of a sacred text here. I also have super low expectations, given that the filmmaking team includes Len Wiseman (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard) and Kurt Wimmer (Ultraviolet, The Recruit). I'll probably be happy with whatever I get from Kate Beckinsale (main character's wife), Jessica Biel (main character's plucky prostitute sidekick) and Bryan Cranston (villain). Basically, the only person who can screw up here is Colin Farrell, and I'm really not asking for more than baseline action hero competence out of him. Did you hear that superfluous 2012 Total Recall remake? I'm setting you a very low bar. Aug. 3

32) The Five-Year Engagement (Universal) —  For me, the potential of this film rests with Jason Segel and Emily Blunt, two actors whose work I enjoy. The premise of a couple dithering towards marriage doesn't really grab me, but I'm willing to take a chance on the leads. April 27

33) Dredd (Lionsgate) — Let's just say that Sylvester Stallone left lots of room for future filmmakers to improve on the concept of a Judge Dredd movie. I haven't seen enough visual evidence to know how big a leap this film takes, but Karl Urban was spot-on as Dr. McCoy in the new Star Trek, so I'm intrigued to see him as the monosyllabic post-apocalyptic adjudication specialist. Sept. 21

34) The Gangster Squad (Warner Bros.) — The director of Zombieland and 30 Minutes or Less ventures into drama with a top-notch cast (Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Emma Stone) and a story about cops fighting organized crime in post-World War II Los Angeles. This could be L.A. Confidential, or it could be The Black Dahlia. The wild card is director Fleischer. Oct. 12

35) Safe (Lionsgate) — Jason Statham comes to the rescue of a 12-year-old Chinese girl who's being sought by the Triads, the Russian Mafia, and corrupt New York City cops and politicians. Statham's meatheaded remake of The Mechanic was one of my least-favorite films of 2011, but something about the ol' man-of-action-defends-child-in-peril plotline has me intrigued here. April 27

36) Battleship (Universal) — My wife thinks Taylor Kitsch is hot. I think that, in John Carter, he looks exactly like Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, only if Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights had gone to Barsoom to battle CGI beasties. He still has to battle CGI beasties here, but at least they made him cut his hair. (Nobody is going to buy Tim Riggins as Maverick from Top Gun, except with Liam Neeson and aliens from outer space instead of Iceman and the Russkies.) I like Tim Riggins as much as anyone, but Mr. Kitsch needed to branch out and, hopefully, now he has. May 18

36) MiB 3 (Sony) — Sucks-a-tawney Will (Smith, yo) saw his shadow on the Fourth of July, so there must be at least 7 or 8 more sequels to his ho-hum-to-hoo-boy summer blockbusters. (Which he makes a lot of, despite seeming like a cool dude.) The first MiB movie had some fun content, so maybe some of the old magic will stick to this robo-cash-register in blockbuster form. Also, Josh Brolin pretending to be a young Tommy Lee Jones for an entire movie is awesome. May 25

37) Premium Rush (Sony) — Making a thriller about bike messengers is an idea I could take or leave, especially since there's at least a 75 percent chance it will involve something stupid like a character pedaling away from an expanding fireball. On the other hand, whereas most of his generational peers are like the rubber (bounces off them), Joseph Gordon-Levitt is definitely the glue. You can throw just about any characterization at him, and it will stick, from enjoyably lovelorn single guy in (500) Days of Summer to stone-cold competent right-hand-man-of-action in Inception to emotionally confused 30-something cancer patient in 50/50. Aug. 24

38) G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Paramount) — Not even my boy JG-L (as Cobra Commander) could do much to salvage the original G.I. Joe movie, and I won't be surprised if this one is awful, too. The Bruce Willis bit in the trailer makes me smile, however, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is so right for this milieu that it's legitimately astonishing that the first movie was made without him. Although, what is it about wanting to be Brendan Fraser, D-Jo? First you (ahem) muscled in on the Mummy movies as the Scorpion King, then it was taking over for B-Fray in Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. Now Fraser has yo-ed his last Joe, but wait, the Rock is here to take his place. It's getting a little weird, bro. June 29

39) Savages (Universal) — Taylor Kitsch makes his second summer movie sans Tim Riggins's distinctive locks. This time he's a pot smoker — which you'd think would go arm-in-arm with "the Riggins" (remember "the Rachel," Hollywood hair buffs?) — who has a hard time, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, stayin' alive after tangling with a Mexican cartel. Yes, John Travolta is in this movie, too. July 6

40) Red Dawn (FilmDistrict) — Hollywood's love affair with the 1980s rolls on. The original Red Dawn was so strongly an artifact of its Cold War era, that I have a hard time imagining what a remake even looks like. You can't just swap the Chinese for the Soviets and roll camera ... can you? The interesting "young Hollywood" cast (Chris Hemsworth, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson) includes Tom Cruise's son, Connor.  Nov. 2

41) Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (DreamWorks) and Ice Age: Continental Drift (20th Century Fox) — Only because I still remember the good times, fellas. Well, and for the Scrat cartoon that we're sure to get with Continental Drift. June 8 (The 'Gascar Gang), July 13 (Ice Age)

42) Alex Cross (Summit) — Actor, filmmaker and playwright Tyler Perry ventures outside the realm of his own brand for just the second time (after playing a Starfleet admiral in Star Trek) to pick up where Morgan Freeman left off with James Patterson's Alex Cross character. Oct. 26

43) Breaking Dawn, Part 2 (Summit) — The hybrid vampire elephant in the room: This is the one where Jacob forms a forever bond with Bella and Edward's newborn baby girl, Renesmee. Not only that, but Bella's wee one grows up from pooping her diapers to wearing skinny jeans and eyeliner so fast that she and mom will need to have to have "the talk" — so that Nessie can start dating her special Uncle Jake — by the time she's just 7 years old. (At least that part won't be in the movie. Whew!) (Right? That's not in the movie. Anyone? Anyone? Is this thing on?) Um, awkward. But hey, Team Edward and Team Jacob both win. Surprise! Nov. 16

Coming Friday: The 2012 movies that haven't got a prayer.

Jack and Diddly

SOMETHING I WROTE FOR WORK: So, how did it go?

LINKS: Is this the 84th Academy Awards I see before me?

The title of this post is an incomplete and probably unjustly barbed list of all of the things that I know about predicting the winners of the Academy Awards. I mean, I do know more than the Average Joe. I used to make my guesses only in the major Oscar categories, and I used to recruit suckers fellow film enthusiasts to print their names in the Daily Herald and compete against me, head-to-head. I'm pretty sure that I never lost, over a period of about six years, though I may have been tied one year. Then a couple of years ago, I got tired of rounding up other people's guesses and just ran my own, expanding the outlook to include every award announced during the live telecast: all 24 of them. It's harder to look smart, but it's kind of fun to toe the line and predict every stinkin' category. Including the ones where my knowledge of the nominees amounts to Jack and you-know-what.

This was my second year of picking the entire field, and I upped my game a little, improving by three total picks to top .500 for the first time. Last year I made 11 correct predictions, this year it was 14. I had one last-minute change-of-heart go against me: I originally had the high school football movie Undefeated correctly pegged to win Best Documentary Feature, before switching to Paradise Lost 3 right before deadline. I guess you should never bet against something called Undefeated. A couple of other last-minute switches worked in my favor, like changing my Best Makeup winner from Albert Nobbs to The Iron Lady. I had a little too much faith in The Artist, and not nearly enough faith in Hugo. Or in Meryl Streep, though at least I'm in that boat with every other Academy Awards predictor on the planet. I even went to so far as to suggest that both Michelle Williams and Glenn Close were better "upset" picks than Streep.

Live and learn. I'm sure I'll nail all 24 of them next year. Click the link at the top of this post and then scroll down to the bottom of the page to see exactly how I fared.