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NO WAY IN AITCH AM I SEEING THAT (Unless it's for work) (I gots to put bread on the table, yo): Running the other way in 2012

LINKS: The yes list and the maybes

We've all seen trailers that get us revved up about the possibility of seeing this or that "coming attraction," as they say in the biz. But isn't it just as common to see a trailer and think, "Sweet land o' Goshen, you couldn't get me within a country mile of that cinematic dung heap," you know, or something like that? We could call those coming detractions, or maybe just coming gaaaah — my eyes!-actions. Sometimes I can't even bear to finish the trailer, let alone stomach the thought of watching the entire film. (One such colossal stinker makes an appearance below. I kid you not. I have a cast-iron stomach for sub-moronic idiocy, but I flat-out fled from that audiovisual torture chamber.)

At any rate, it's quite common for film writers to make lists of movies that they're excited to see. So why not flip that around and tell you what's making me cringe. Since there are levels of revulsion, I'm carrying over the numbering from my other posts on this topic. My first 2012 precap went 1 to 18, and the second list was 27 to 43. So, bearing in mind that I don't actually want to see any of the films in this post, it felt right to sliiiiiide down the ladder all the way to:

98) Wrath of the Titans (Warner Bros.) — The desecration of Greek mythology rolls forth. I probably wouldn't drop dead of shock if this movie were actually sorta entertaining, in a high-end schlock kind of way. It actually looks like they might have improved the product a little: I made fun of Sam Worthington's Perseus in my review of Clash of the Titans for "being the only man in ancient Greece who knows the location of the fabled Great Clips," so it's nice to see that he's been given a more era-appropriate shaggy mop this time around. Other than that, er ... well, Rosamund Pike is a good actress. Everything else that I saw in the trailer appeared to move fast and be made from, hmm, asphalt and lava, mostly? Perseus battles the La Brea Tar Pits. Awesome. March 30

103) Step Up: Revolution (Summit) — I view this franchise as being sort of like the G.I. Joe movies of soopah tight modern dance choreography. Everything is all cranked up and over-the-top ridiculous, and all of the men in the movie have big muscles and wear tight clothing. And sweat a lot. This one is Miami, so I'm guessing that means dance battles on the beach. The star of the movie is So You Think You Can Dance alum Kathryn McCormick, but there's also someone named Celestina (no surname) who plays "Mob dancer." Yes, this movie has dance mobs. July 27

142) The Three Stooges (20th Century Fox) — Nyuk, nyuk, nyet. There's been talk of introducing the Three Stooges to the 21st century for so long, that it was actually the 20th century when this movie first appeared on Hollywood's radar. I've got nothing against Larry, Curly and Moe, but nothing really for them, either. What turned me four-square against the Stooges is that Bobby and Peter Farrelly (There's Something About Mary and, more recently, Hall Pass) are the ones who finally ended up writing and directing the new movie. Apparently they've managed to check their R-rated comedic sensibilities at the door (the MPAA has given the noveau Stooges a PG), but that only means that they can't be vulgar and obscene in addition being gross. Note: Both Kirby Heyborne and the entire cast of Jersey Shore are in this movie. Only the ancient Mayans would have predicted that. April 13

143) American Reunion (Universal) — I can small the smarmy insincerity from here. Another warm reminder to cherish the beautiful moments in life, all of which happened when you were 17. Also, never forget that there is nothing so sweet that it cannot be improved by a general state of drunken horniness. (Or is that horny drunkenness?) Reviewing movies is often a bowl of cherries, but sometimes all that's in the bowl are the pits. I didn't need to see the first or second of these — Did anyone? I say no — and actually didn't see the third one, which resulted in my best experience with the franchise to date. April 6

144) The Dictator (Paramount) — Sacha Baron Cohen was funnier when he was just an animated lemur king in Madagascar. May 11

145) Paranormal Activity 4 (Paramount) — On the one hand, the Paranormal Activity movies stopped the Saw movies from happening every year. So we can all be thankful for that. Apparently there's a rule somewhere that only one overcooked horror franchise at a time can be milked to a shriveled leathery husk each year at Halloween. The Faustian tradeoff, of course, is that now a Paranormal Activity movie has to happen every year. Oct. 19

201) What to Expect When You're Expecting (Lionsgate) — Here's what I'm expecting: poop on a stick. And that's being generous. The trailers for this movie are appallingly incompetent, and neither of them is even the aforementioned trailer I couldn't bear to finish watching. As far as I can tell, the only connection to the best-selling pregnancy how-to guide is the title. But even if they'd just stuck the book on a reading stand and filmed someone turning its pages one at a time, I'd be more interested in seeing that movie than this one. May 18

1,087) That's My Boy (June 15) — Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler! All I have to say about this movie is that it looks worse than Click. A lot worse. If the ancient Mayans weren't kidding, then my guess is that they were off by several months in their calculations. Doomsday will actually arrive on ... June 15